AMENDS: MISSING SCENES 2
by Patcat
Summary: Another take
1. Chapter 1

I promise to return to SAVING GRACES. Right now I'm plagued by plot bunnies, and I feed my plot bunnies, probably too much. Spoilers for AMENDS.

AMENDS: MISSING SCENES 2

Chapter One

He watched her closely as they processed the young doctor. Her face was a tightly controlled mask that betrayed little of her inner turmoil. Bobby didn't know if he was aware of that turmoil because he knew Alex so well or because he knew so much about controlling inner turmoil. As Bobby stopped by his desk to pick up several forms, Ross stopped him.

"How is she?" the Captain asked, his eyes on Alex.

"She's doing…well…remarkably well," Bobby answered. "She's been absolutely professional about everything.

"Good," Ross said.

"Captain…thank you…I know you could've…should've…taken her off this case," Bobby said softly. "Thank you…for both of us…"

"The Chief of D's," Ross said deliberately. "Wants me to convey his apologies. He was very upset when we met in my office. "

Bobby held his tongue. He wasn't going to forgive the Chief for calling him a whack job in front of Kevin Quinn's widow and son, but he didn't feel the need to reveal that to Ross.

"You saved the Department from another rush to judgment, Goren…And as far as I'm concerned, Patrick Copa was a bad cop," Ross continued. The captain studied Bobby. "How are you doing?"

"Ok…It felt good to be back at work." Bobby told the truth. Work, and worrying about Alex, had helped him to forget, at least for a short time, his own troubles.

"I appreciate you coming in," Ross said. "But remember…You still have the rest of your leave if you want it."

"I'll keep that in mind, sir." Bobby was focused on Alex. "But I think Eames may need more the time off more than me after this case."

Ross' gaze followed Bobby's. "Tell her she has the time if she needs it."

Bobby nodded. "I will."

Manny Beltran was pathetically eager to confess to Joe Dutton's murder. Bobby urged him to wait for a lawyer, although Alex appeared to want to get everything over with as soon as possible. Bobby didn't begrudge Alex her attitude. "After all, he didn't kill the person I loved," Bobby thought. "Not that I've ever loved anyone the way Alex loved Joe…or have ever been loved like that…" Fortunately, it didn't take long to process Beltran. He remained cooperative even after his lawyer arrived and advised him not to make a statement.

"I'll see he gets back to his cell," Bobby said quietly after Beltran formally confessed.

Alex gathered up the paperwork. As she had throughout Beltran's processing and questioning, she pointedly avoided any eye contact with the anguished man. "Ok," she said. "I'll get the paperwork started."

After she left, Beltran, still wearing his scrubs and handcuffed to the table, shivered. "What's going to happen to me? When will I go to prison?"

"You'll be at Riker's for a while," Bobby said. He studied Beltran carefully. The last thing the department needed in this case was a suicide, and Bobby couldn't quite read Beltran's mood. The doctor had become very quiet after his outburst of guilt and grief, and Bobby was unsure if Beltran's apparent acceptance of his fate was resignation or a sign of ominous plans.

"Do you think they'll let me work in the prison infirmary?" Beltran asked. "My lawyer…She says I won't get the death penalty…" Beltran looked stricken. "No one else died because I…"

"No," Bobby said, carefully weighing how much he should tell Beltran.

"But someone…is in jail…"

"Yes," Bobby admitted.

"I…I didn't know…I was on the plane the next morning." Beltran put his head in his hands. "I should've checked…when I got back in the city…" He looked up at Bobby. "Did the cop have a family?"

Bobby stared down at the table where his index finger made small, tight circles. "He came from a big family…lots of brothers and sisters…and…he was married…" Bobby turned away from Beltran.

"Oh, God." Beltran was on the edge of tears. "I wish…I wish…I know it seems so small…so weak…that it wouldn't help…But I wish I could tell them how sorry I am…"

Silence descended in the room, broken only by Beltran's increasingly unsuccessful efforts to control his emotions.

"Prison infirmaries," Bobby finally said. "Are notoriously understaffed and always need help…You'll have to earn the privilege…But I think one would welcome your help…"

Beltran raised his head. "I want to try…try to salvage something out of this."

"Yes." Bobby returned to making circles on the table. "You've got a good start on that."

The uniforms arrived to return Beltran to his cell; his lawyer spoke briefly with him before they took him away. As Bobby gathered his binder and left the interrogation room, the lawyer approached him.

"Thank you for whatever you said to him," she said. "I was worried about him…but I think he'll be ok now."

Bobby stared at his feet. "It you want…We can put him on a watch…We want to keep him safe…"

"I'd appreciate that," the lawyer said.

Bobby walked into the bullpen and saw Alex lost in the paperwork. He sensed that about half of the eyes in Major Case were focused on Alex and the other half on him. He sat at his desk and called Riker's to ask for a suicide watch for Beltran. "If you give me some of that," he said when he finished the call. "I'll help…and when we get out of here I'll buy you a margarita."

Alex handed over a pile of forms. "Most of these just need your signature," she said. "Not that anyone can read it. And I suspect I'll want more than just one margarita."

Ross approached their desks. "The Chief of Detectives," he said in a loud voice. "Wants me to convey his apologies to you, Goren." Bobby, puzzled, looked up at Ross, not certain why his captain repeated this information and in the middle of the squad room. He realized that Ross wanted to be overheard. "He appreciates that you came in from your leave and found the killer so quickly."

"But he still thinks I'm a "whack job"," Bobby said wryly and softly.

"There should be more whack jobs like you," Alex said without looking up from the form she was dealing with. "Then we wouldn't have nine-year-old messes to clean up." Like Ross, Alex spoke loudly enough to be heard by several desks.

"I appreciate the Chief's apology," Bobby said diplomatically. He spoke in his usual low, soft voice and saw several cops lean forward to try to hear him.

Ross nodded. "I'll let the Chief know."

"Captain," Bobby said as Ross started to leave. "Thank you for your support with the Chief." Bobby thought that if Ross was willing to let the squad room know the Chief had apologized to Bobby, he could at least let the squad room know Ross had supported his detectives.

"Not a problem, Detective," Ross said after a moment. "Especially when you were completely right."

Bobby and Alex returned to their paperwork. Bobby occasionally chanced a quiet look at Alex. Every time he glanced at her, Alex was intently focused on her work.

"You know," Alex finally said after an hour or so. "If you'd stop looking at me and keep working we'd get out of here a lot faster."

"Caught," Bobby said sheepishly. "I…I'm just…"

"It's ok, Bobby," Alex said. "I appreciate the concern, but I'm ok."

They continued to work until Ross emerged from his office. "I'm leaving," he announced wearily. "And I suggest you two do the same. As a matter of fact, I order you both to leave. You can finish tomorrow. The DA won't be ready to process Beltran until then." Ross paused. "Again…both of you…good work. I know this hasn't made you very popular with some people. "He smiled weakly. "God know I'm pretty unpopular with some people right now too."

"C'mon, Eames," Bobby said gently as Ross walked out of the squad room. "Let's get out of here…Let me get you that margarita."

"Ok." Alex carefully gathered the paperwork, filed it, and joined Bobby as he walked to the elevator.

They were quiet on the elevator and through the lobby. Part of the silence resulted from the presence of others, some of whom gave wary, curious, or even hostile glances at Bobby and Alex. Outside the building, Alex turned to Bobby.

"I don't want to go to any of the places near here," she said abruptly.

Bobby understood. He had no desire to run into any cops, especially cops who might be the worse for drink. "Is there somewhere near your house?"

"That would be an expensive cab ride," Alex replied. "I'm not sure I want to be in good enough shape to drive at the end of this night. Why don't we explore one of your favorite haunts?" It was the most she'd said to him since they'd arrested Beltran.

Bobby waved down a cab. "I really don't have a favorite haunt," he said as he opened the door for her. "But I remember a nice place a couple blocks near my building."

The silence returned during the cab ride, and Bobby wondered if going for a drink with Alex was a serious mistake. She was certainly willing to go with him, but her refusal to speak disturbed him. "But," he thought. "How many times have I sat like a lump in a cab while she got me through some crisis? What does she do?"

They arrived in front of a small pub with glowing lights; it looked friendly and inviting. "I have to warn you," Bobby said as he opened the cab's door for Alex. "I really don't come to this place to drink…I come for the soups and stews…I can't vouch for their margaritas."

"It's nice," Alex said as they entered the bar. "And I've found Irish bars usually know their way around any kind of alcoholic concoction."

They found a quiet booth nested in the back of the bar, and, aside from giving their orders to the waiter, became as silent as they were in the cab. Bobby struggled to find some way to break it.

"Alex," he finally confessed. "I…I don't know how to do this…I want to make everything better for you…but I don't know how…"

"Did you think about that before you reopened Joe's case?" she said harshly, and immediately regretted the words. "I'm sorry…It's just raw…You were right…We have to do our jobs…No matter how much it hurts." She took a long drink.

Bobby felt he'd crossed some line, if he ever knew where it was. "That's not her fault," he thought. "You've been moving them all over the place in the last few months."

"Bobby." Alex's exasperated voice broke in on his thoughts. "Don't beat yourself up. Really, I'm not angry at you…In all of this mess right now, you're the one person I'm not angry at….But if you start doing your Bobby Goren nailed to the cross routine, I'll whap you up the side of the head. And since I can't whap the people I'm really angry at up the side of their heads, it'll really hurt if I have to hit you." She downed her drink's remains and waved for the waiter.

"Ok…I'll try…" He watched as Alex quickly started to drain her second margarita. "Uh…Alex…You're drinking awfully fast…Maybe we should get something to eat…"

Alex glared at him, her exasperation and frustration growing in proportion to the alcohol she consumed. "Look, Bobby," she said coldly. "You know I can handle my liquor. You just take care of yourself." She defiantly finished off her second drink.

Bobby wasn't sure if Alex planned to get drunk when they entered the bar, but she certainly acted as if she did. Worry grew in his mind. He'd never seen Alex really drunk—a little tight, yes, but never blasted. He knew that the Eames' family had several members with bad experiences with liquor, and Alex usually erred on the side of caution. Aside from a few horribly memorable moments when he was a kid or in the Army, Bobby also avoided drinking to excess. He always felt that his family history and experiences might make him too susceptible to alcohol's charms. He didn't try to match Alex drink for drink this evening—for one thing, the expensive Scotch he drank lent itself to sipping rather than the margarita's long drinks—but he drank far more than he planned. Both Alex and Bobby had had little rest or food in recent hours, and both quickly felt the results.

"Alex," Bobby mumbled. He retained at least a touch of sobriety. "We shouldn't drink much more. We have to work tomorrow."

A bleary-eyed Alex looked up at him. "I wanna go home," she slurred and stumbled from the booth.

Bobby threw money on the table and unsteadily followed her. He discovered her wavering on the sidewalk. He was, Bobby thought, slightly more sober than Alex, but in no shape to drive.

"Alex," he carefully enunciated each letter of her name. "I'm not sure how to get you home…"

"Not that home," she said belligerently. "Wanna go to your home."

His mind reeled at the idea at first, but on second consideration Bobby thought taking Alex to his place might be a good thing. They could easily walk to it from the bar, and the cool air and slight exercise might sober both of them up a little. It certainly was safer than allowing either of them near a car and get them both near a bed faster than calling a cab.

"Ok," Bobby said softly. "But I gotta warn you…The place is a mess…I…I haven't had much time to clean it up lately." He reached for her arm to guide her, but Alex jerked away from him.

"I can walk by myself," she said fiercely, and started down the street.

"Uh…Alex…"

She turned and gave him an extremely annoyed look. "What?"

"My apartment." He pointed in the opposite direction. "Is that way."

"Oh…Ok." Alex began to march.

In spite of his much longer legs, Bobby discovered he had to rush to keep up with her. Alex moved with a maniacal speed and determination. He grabbed her arm when she nearly swept past his building.

"Alex…It's here…"

She threw off his touch. "I know that…I've been here before…Not that you let me very often…I've only been here what…two or three times in seven years…"

The rebuke stung and puzzled Bobby. "I…I think you've been here more than that," he said as he fumbled with his keys.

Alex leaned against the building as Bobby unlocked the main entrance. "Not much more…"

"I wasn't aware," Bobby said, hoping his voice didn't betray the hurt he felt. "That you were so interested in visiting my apartment."

"Only because you make it such a mysterious place," Alex replied with an edge to her voice.

As they rode the elevator, Bobby struggled to gage Alex's mood. She seemed to want, even need, his company—after all, she'd insisted on going to his apartment—but she also seemed to be on the edge of verbally attacking him. "She's hurt…She's angry," he thought. "I'm an easy target…And I deserve some…maybe most…of that anger."

"Stop it, Bobby!" Alex said sharply. "Stop analyzing me…" She rushed past him when the elevator door opened and waited impatiently by his door. A baffled Bobby followed her and again fumbled for his keys. Impatience radiated from Alex and that, coupled with the alcohol he'd consumed, caused him to struggle with the lock. He finally managed to open the door, and Alex brushed past him and stumbled quickly into his apartment.

END CHAPTER ONE


	2. Chapter 2

WARNING: Adult language, Sex and violence

CHAPTER TWO

"Where do you keep your liquor?" Alex asked as she opened and shut his cabinets. She strained to reach one of the higher ones.

Bobby, increasingly confused, stood in the entrance of his small kitchen. "I…I don't think I've got anything…I've been away so much lately…and…truthfully…" He swallowed. "I was afraid if I had any alcohol around, I'd be tempted…" He awkwardly moved into the kitchen. "But…I…I can make some coffee…or tea…or…if I've got milk…"

"Dammit, Bobby!" Alex turned to him, her hands on her hips. "I don't want my head to clear…I want to stay numb…" She paced furiously in the small space. "You've got nothing in here…Poor Bobby Goren…Can't even be trusted with a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer…" There was so much anger in her voice and body that Bobby took a step backward. "He's got so many problems…His Mom just died…He just dealt with a serial killer…He's the only ethical cop in the NYPD…Nobody understands him…He's all alone…" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

Bobby was so hurt and puzzled that anger wasn't an option as a reaction from him. "I…I'm sorry…Alex…I can go out and get something…"

"Stop it! Just stop it!" Alex yelled. She crossed the tiny kitchen in a few steps and seized the lapels of Bobby's suit jacket. "Don't comfort me! I don't want it!" She shoved him against the refrigerator, and Bobby winced in pain as his back slammed into it door. "I don't want kindness…I want to be angry…I want to scream at someone…Hit someone…" She hit a fist against his chest, and Bobby grunted in pain and surprise. "How could they?" How could they all get it so wrong?" She cried and yelled and broke his heart. She hit him again, and he grunted again. "Kevin…Kevin lied…How could Kevin lie? He lied…and that boy killed him and another man and now he'll be in prison…And all these years I thought I knew…I thought I knew…" She continued hitting Bobby, who did nothing to protect himself, not even raising his hands to ward off her blows. He welcomed the pain. At least he provided a target for Alex's anger and felt something.

"We'll make sure he gets caught," Alex gasped. "We'll catch him…More like catch anyone we can get our hands on…And you…" She glared at Bobby; tears streaked her face. "You didn't care how this hurt me…You went ahead and bulled your way through…" Her words stabbed him and hurt much worse than her blows. He welcomed the pain; he deserved it. "You got to prove to everyone how brilliant you are…" She began to choke. Bobby thought she neared the end of her outburst.

"Alex…"

"No!" she yelled. "I told you…Don't analyze me! I don't want the department's "whack job" to pretend to know me!" Her hand found the small pot containing the now dead plant Bobby's mother had entrusted to him. She seized it and slammed it against Bobby's head.

He reeled with the blow, but barely felt it. Alex's words had hurt him in ways no physical attack could. She started to swing at him again, but Bobby instinctively threw up an arm and grabbed Alex's wrist. She cried out in frustration and pain and dropped the remains of the plant and pot, scattering dirt and clay over the floor. She swung at Bobby with her free hand and Bobby caught it. He spun her around, and they engaged in a brief, terrible dance before he turned her against the wall. Exhausted, they both stood in an angry embrace. Alex stared up at Bobby's face. Blood oozed from his nose and a cut over his right eye, and bruises formed on his face. His eyes showed a terrible pain.

"Bobby," Alex cried. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…I…I just don't want to feel anything…I'm sorry…I don't want to think…I want to forget…"

Bobby released her and his arms fell uselessly at his sides.

"I'm sorry…I didn't…I didn't mean to hurt you…I didn't mean to say those things…You're a good, brilliant man…I…I just wanted…Wanted to attack someone…wanted to blame someone…And you were here…I'm sorry…"

"It's…it's ok…I understand," Bobby said softly. He tentatively touched Alex's arm.

"No…No…" Alex shook her head. "I…I…" She collapsed against him, and Bobby wrapped his arms around her. He desperately tried to think of something to say to comfort her.

"I just want to forget…I don't want to remember," Alex mumbled into his chest. "I want to stop thinking." She wrapped her arms around Bobby's neck. "Bobby," she murmured into the spot where his neck met his chest. "You can do it…You can make me forget…"

A puzzled and troubled Bobby tried to pull away from her, but Alex clung to him. "What…Alex…"

"Make me forget, Bobby," she pleaded. "Please…I don't want to feel what I'm feeling any more…Please…make me forget." She pulled his head down and brought her face up to his and kissed him deeply and savagely, her tongue roughly seeking admittance to his mouth.

"Alex…No…No…" Bobby moaned, his words lost in her assault. He dropped his arms and again tried to pull away, an act made impossible by the alcohol still in his body, Alex's determined attack, his confusion, and his long suppressed desire for her.

Alex shoved his jacket off. Bobby briefly thought of escape, but Alex quickly wrapped her arms around his neck again. "C'mon, Bobby," she pleaded. "Make me forget…Help me…I know you can do it." She yanked at his tie and ripped the buttons from his shirt. Bobby felt the sweet pain of her fingernails through the cotton of his undershirt. She began a savage assault on his neck and chest, nipping and biting at the sensitive skin. He moaned in pain and pleasure as she left angry red marks. Bobby wavered and wondered if his knees would support him.

"No," he thought, the reasoning part of his mind clinging to consciousness. "This isn't right. She doesn't know what she's doing…She's still drunk…She's in pain…We can't do this…We can't…I've got to be the strong one…I have to…Oh, God…"

Alex yanked Bobby's shirt from his pants and her hands reached for his belt. "Bobby…please…help me forget…I don't want to feel this way…Make me feel better…

Bobby grabbed her and spun them out of the kitchen. "Alex…No…We can't do this…It'll…It'll ruin everything…Our jobs…Our partnership…"

She jerked away from him. "Fuck the job!" she screamed. "And you didn't care about the partnership when you stomped in and reopened Joe's murder case!" She swung at Bobby, who managed to catch her fist. He spun her around so that one of his arms encased her in a bear like grip. She struggled fruitlessly against his strength.

"Alex…Please…I'm sorry…Please…Ow!"

Alex struck with her only weapon and slammed her head against Bobby's chin. Her rage fueled the blow with enough force that Bobby saw stars. He lurched away from Alex, stumbled against his couch, and tumbled clumsily on the floor. Alex stared down at him, guilt rapidly replacing anger. Dazed, Bobby struggled to sit up. Leaning back against the couch, he tentatively touched his mouth. Blood smeared his fingers.

"Bobby…Oh God…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" Alex dropped to her knees beside him. "Are you…"

"What do you want from me?" Bobby asked coldly. He grabbed her wrists, and Alex winced at the pain. For the first time during the evening, anger flared in Bobby. "I was doing my job…I do my job…And I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I thought you believed in doing the job, too." He used his free hand to pull her to him. "Is this what you want?" he asked in a low, cold voice. "Is it?"

"Yes," she whispered with a mix of fear and want. "Yes."

He kissed her desperately. "I'm going to die," Alex thought. "He's going to break me and burn me up…and I don't care…I don't care."

"Bobby…Bobby…" She whimpered and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Take me…please…make me forget…"

He broke the kiss and pulled away from her. "No." Bobby shook his head. "No…It's not right."

"Bobby." Alex yanked her sweater over her head and let it drop on the floor.

"Alex…No…" Bobby gasped.

She reached behind her, unsnapped her bra, and let it join the sweater. Alex seized Bobby's hands and pulled them to her breasts. Their soft fullness, the sight of Alex open and vulnerable before him, snapped the last of Bobby's fragile control. He buried his head against her chest, and his mouth began performing wonders on her breasts as he grabbed her hips and lifted her.

"Oh God…Yes…Bobby…Yes…Please…" She shoved his shirt off his shoulders as he nipped and nuzzled her tender skin. He stumbled through the apartment, occasionally banging against a wall or piece of furniture. Alex yelped in pain and pleasure. They finally collapsed on his bed, both with bruises starting to form on their bodies. She yanked the shirt completely off him; he pulled her pants and underwear from her. As she kicked off her shoes and socks, Bobby stared at her. She was beautiful, the most beautiful and wonderful thing he'd ever seen. Her soft, pale skin flushed with desire, but he was appalled to see the injuries where he'd held her so tightly and propelled her against the walls and furniture. His fist flew to his mouth.

"Oh…God…Alex…What have I done…I'm so sorry…Please…"

"Shut up!" She seized and yanked down his pants and boxers. She gasped; the rumors and speculations of the ladies' room were true. "He could really hurt me," Alex thought. "But I want him…I want him to make me forget, and if he can do that by hurting me, I don't care." She took him in her hand, and Bobby moaned and trembled. He felt soft and silky and warm in her hand. Still holding him, Alex sat up on the bed and let her free hand move up Bobby's stomach and chest.

"Get your T-shirt off," she growled.

Bobby didn't remember tearing his undershirt off. He found himself on the bed with Alex, desperately clutching her. He kissed her, and Alex returned the kisses with equal desperation and passion.

"Alex," he gasped. "Please…I…I want to forget too…Oh, God…Please…Forgive me…Please…Help me…"

"Shut up…Shut up," she murmured. "Just…Please…Please…Bobby…Bobby…Bobby…"

They reveled in the terrible dark pain. Alex thrilled to the sweet pressure of Bobby's great hands on her body, losing herself in the sensation. Bobby was lost in the searing touch of Alex's fingernails strafing across his chest and clawing into his back.

"I shouldn't…Protection…Did Alex think…Don't hurt her…But…Oh, God…Alex…Alex," Bobby thought. "Please…Yes…Yes…Hurt me…The pain…I deserve it…I've hurt you so many times…"

He wanted to pace himself, to love her gently and tenderly, but she didn't want gentleness or tenderness. When he tried to slow his pace, Alex clutched him tighter and drove her nails deeper into his skin. "More," she gasped." More…harder…harder…please…Bobby…Bobby."

Their minds blazed with sensations. Pain and pleasure intertwined. The world was hot and cold, rough and tender. They found the oblivion they sought, but also a strange, wonderful comfort. As they climaxed, their eyes met, and for one brief, glorious moment, they weren't alone. For the first time in many years, Alex was connected to someone on a level that went beyond words, beyond thoughts. For the first time in his life, Bobby felt that connection. The physical and emotional release overwhelmed him as the greatest joy and pleasure of his life swept over and through him.

She fought it at every step, but awareness returned to Alex. She'd expected Bobby to give her great pleasure, but the reality was so far beyond her hopes that she was lost for several moments. As her senses returned, Alex became aware that Bobby, trembling and gasping, lay across her. His bulk was wonderfully warm and reassuring. And then the terrible realization of what she'd done descended on Alex. The wonderful joy and pleasure was lost in a wave of guilt and pain.

"I've betrayed him," she thought. "I've used him for a few moments…and I may have destroyed him…" She fought the tears that formed in her eyes, but her body began to shake with poorly suppressed sobs.

Bobby felt Alex tremble beneath him. "Oh, God…I hurt her." He tried to raise his body, but his arms refused to support his weight. He turned his head to face Alex, and it was all too much. His mother, Brady, the casual cruelty of other cops, and now he'd hurt Alex. He couldn't fight any more, and the sobs took him.

END CHAPTER TWO


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Bobby's sobs registered at the edge of Alex's mind. "Oh, God," she thought. "I've really hurt him…How could I do this to him? This good, kind, gentle man who's just buried his mother and had his heart stomped on…" She hugged him, and he shook violently. "Bobby…Bobby…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" Her sobs choked the words, and Alex found it difficult to breath.

He was dimly aware that someone called his name. "Allex," he thought. "She's…she's saying she's sorry? Why would Alex tell me she's sorry? I'm the one who's sorry…" Confused and frightened, Bobby found the strength to raise his body. He pulled away from Alex, who was too lost to hold on to him. He collapsed on his side next to her, not daring to touch her. He rolled on his back and flung an arm in front of his eyes.

"Alex…I'm so sorry…Sorry…I didn't mean to hurt you…Please…" The sobs took him again.

"Why," Alex thought. "Is he apologizing to me?" She wiped her eyes. "He…he thinks he hurt me?" She turned on her side and hesitantly reached out to touch Bobby's arm. He jerked as if shocked.

Alex swallowed. "Bobby." The name came out in a hoarse whisper. She tried again. "Bobby." His sobs eased slightly, and when she touched him he didn't pull away. "You…you didn't hurt me…"

He slipped his arm from his face, and Alex gasped at the bruises and blood there. She looked at his body and saw angry, ugly, bright red scratches on his chest; her hand hovered over them. "But…but I hurt you."

He stared at her in wonder and tentatively touched a bite mark on her breast. "I…I hurt you," he rumbled.

"We…We're getting blood on your sheets," Alex said numbly, and in the faint light Bobby saw crimson streaks and spots on the white cotton. He sat up stiffly and slowly and stared at the scratches on his arms and chest. Alex followed him. Her body bore fewer and less severe injuries, but had its share of bruises and bites.

"My God," Alex said. "What did we do to each other?"

They were both suddenly shy, and fumbled for the sheets and blankets. "Here," Bobby said in a strained voice Alex had trouble recognizing. He helped her pull the covers around her body, trying desperately not to touch her in the process. Alex caught his hand.

"Bobby," she said, surprised her voice sounded so confident. "It's…You didn't hurt me…much." She smiled wryly. "I think I probably hurt you a lot more than you hurt me…And it was what I wanted…And a lot of it…" She shook her head. "God…Bobby…It was wonderful…scary…terrifying…but wonderful…"

Bobby was hunched over, his face covered by his hands. He looked at her fearfully. "I…" He shivered. "It…" He stared at the bed. "It…It was the same for me…"

"Bobby…listen again…You did not hurt me," Alex stated. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Oh…Bobby…"

Alarmed at the fear in her voice, Bobby turned to her. "Alex…what?"

"Your…your back…There's blood…"

"Watch out," Bobby warned. "I'm going to turn on the light."

He flicked on the light, and Alex gave a small cry. Angry scratches covered his back, a few deep and long enough to move into the category of a slash. Bobby didn't cry out, but the sight of the red marks and bruises on Alex's body filled him with shame and guilt.

"I'm a monster," he thought. "A horrible monster…All I can do is hurt her…" He felt her soft hand on his shoulder.

"Bobby…I'm so sorry…So terribly sorry…"

"It's not about you," Bobby thought. "She's the one in pain…And you caused it…"

"It's all right," he said, struggling to keep his voice calm. "You…" He turned to her, and the sorrow and guilt on her face destroyed his resolve.

"Alex…"

"Bobby…"

They fell crying into each other's arms. Neither was certain how long they clung to each other; they were only sure that holding on to the other was the only thing that could save them. Alex recovered first, or at least became aware enough of her surroundings to recognize that between his sobs Bobby cried "I didn't mean to hurt you…I'm sorry…I'm sorry…"

"Why?" Alex thought. "Why does he think…I'm the one who hurt him…used him…But this is Bobby you're dealing with…"

"Bobby," she said firmly and gently.

He shivered.

"Well," Alex thought. "At least he hears me…"

"Bobby," she said again. "It's…It's…" She couldn't tell him it was ok when it so clearly wasn't for both of them. "You…You didn't hurt me." She made small, warm circles on his back, trying to avoid the gashes. His sobs eased. "Like I said," she said, smiling at the recent vivid memory, "parts of it were wonderful." She sat up tentatively, and his head came to rest just below her breasts. His hair was soft against her tummy. He feebly tried to pull away from her, but she held him firmly. "Please, Bobby…Believe me…You didn't hurt me…Well, at least not in any way I didn't want you to."

He finally stopped crying and lay in her arms for several moments. "You…You're sure?" he asked, his voice a low rumble against her skin. "All those bruises…and bites…"

"You should see what I did to you."

When he sat up she didn't try to stop him. Shivering, he sat beside her for a moment, and then embraced her. "It…It was wonderful for me, too," he whispered. "Thank you."

She rested in his arms, warmth and contentment spreading through her body. Even Joe had never made her feel like this.

"I…I still feel bad," Bobby admitted. "I…I'm not usually so…I'm not like that. But it's been a while…Maybe I don't know what I'm like any more…"

Alex nuzzled his neck, her soft, silky hair spreading warmth through him. "I know what you are," she said. "A good, gentle man who's too hard on himself."

Alex carefully touched one of the deep scratches on his chest. "I think we should take care of these…."

"Would you like to take a shower?" Bobby asked shyly.

Alex carefully slipped out of bed. "Only if you join me so I can take care of you."

Bobby hesitated, and his shyness charmed Alex. "It's ok," she said. "It's not like we haven't seen everything."

Bobby ran a hand through his now spiky hair. "Yea…but that was before…and we…we weren't exactly sober."

"Well, maybe we can enjoy it this time," Alex replied.

Their shyness lessened as they showered. Bobby's injuries appalled Alex, but his equal dismay at the sight of her bruises eased her guilt. After the fevered, terrible passion of their earlier coupling, they were both now remarkably tender and gentle with each other. When they finished the shower, Bobby slipped on a pair of boxers and found a T-shirt for Alex. She tenderly tended his wounds, but he winced slightly as she dabbed disinfectant on some of the nastier scratches.

"I have to admit," Bobby said wryly. "I don't remember ever having to get medical aid after sex before."

"I'll take that as reassuring," Alex smiled. She surveyed her work. "There…I'll think you'll be ok…"

"Good," Bobby said. "I really don't want to have to explain these to an ER nurse."

"My sister-in-law was an ER nurse," Alex answered. "This wouldn't make an experienced one bat an eye."

Bobby gave her a quick half smile. "Are you sure you're ok?"

Alex nodded. "I may be a little sore tomorrow, but I'm fine."

Bobby picked up the first aid kit and returned it to the bathroom. When he came back, he found Alex changing the bed and wordlessly helped her.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Alex asked as Bobby grabbed a blanket and pillow.

He held them in front of him like a shield. "Uh…I thought…I thought you…You might want…I'll sleep on the couch," he finished in a rush.

Alex stepped in front of him. "Bobby," she said firmly. "You do not need to sleep on your couch…Your bed is more than big enough for both of us…And if anyone should sleep on the couch, it's me."

His eyes shot up to briefly meet hers. "No," he said fiercely. "No…It's just…You…I thought you wouldn't want me…After what I did…"

"Bobby…I did it too…And you know something…" She placed her hands on his chest. "I'm glad we did it." She pulled him to the bed and took the blanket and pillow from him. He resisted slightly, but not enough to seriously hinder her efforts. She took a deep breath. "Because I love you…I've loved you for a long time."

She hoped and expected that Bobby would embrace her, but wasn't entirely surprise when he stiffened and pulled away.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Oh…Alex…I…I've dreamed…but…" He held his hands in front of him to ward her away. "But…but…" He lurched away from her.

Confused, Alex stared at him. "Bobby…I love you…Do you…" Fear gripped her. Was it possible she had misread him so badly? That he didn't love her?

"I…I've dreamed of you saying that to me…Of saying it to you…" He stopped pacing. "No lies," he said softly. "Lies fester and destroy…No…" Bobby took a deep breath and turned to her. "Brady…"

A terrible chill ran up her spine. "He…he hurt your mother…" It was the worse thing she could conceive.

"It…It's worse than that."

She stared at him, unable to comprehend what could be worse.

"My Mom…had an affair with Brady…She didn't know what he was, of course…but…but Brady believed…He believed I was his biological son…and my Mom…My Mom told me she was never sure."

Stunned, Alex flopped on the bed. She stared at the floor until a movement from Bobby caught her attention. She looked up to see him holding the blanket and pillow again.

"You can sleep here," he said flatly. "I'll take the couch. I'll request the transfer tomorrow. It won't reflect on you. You'll probably get a lot of credit for having stayed with the "whack job" for so long. I'm grateful you did." He folded the blanket over his arm. "Maybe I'll just resign. I'm just a "whack job" after all. They'll be glad to get rid of me." Anger and despair filled his voice.

"Bobby!" Alex lurched to her feet. "Stop it! Stop it! I don't want you to transfer. And I certainly don't want you to resign…If only to show the bastards what morons they are." She stepped up to him so that only the pillow and blanket separated them. "I was shocked…I can only imagine what it was like for you." She looked at him. "My God…Bobby Goren…You're the bravest man I know."

Bobby stared at her.

"You're carrying this inside you…Your mother just died…And you were still willing to take on a case…cases…To do the right thing…In spite of the Brass…the department…your partner…"

"I…I…I gotta do the job," Bobby mumbled. "There's only two things I'm sure of…That I can do the job…and that…and that…I love you." His voice choked, and he dropped the pillow and blanket. "And…and I…" He shook as if he were collapsing from inside his body.

Alex quickly embraced him. He feebly tried to pull away from her, but he was too weak. She managed to get them back to the bed where she sat heavily and he fell on his knees on the floor. She held his head huddled against her breasts.

"You know it doesn't matter who your biological father is," she said softly. It felt oddly reassuring to comfort him. It seemed to ease her guilt over her treatment of Bobby through the recent case. "You are a good man…You've made yourself a good, brave man…It's one of the reasons why I love you."

He trembled in her arms for several minutes before he gazed up at her. The love and admiration in his eyes shook Alex to her soul.

"You are the bravest person I know, Alex," Bobby whispered. "Everything about this case…Everything you do…" He tenderly touched her chin. "You're incredible."

He rose unsteadily to sit next to her on the bed. They held each other wordlessly for several moments.

"So," Alex said softly. "What are we going to do?"

Bobby stared at their intertwined hands. "I…I don't know…Everything…happened so fast…"

"Yea," Alex said. She pushed gently against Bobby so that he fell back against the pillows. She curled up on his body, and Bobby reached for and pulled the covers over them.

"Are you warm enough?" he asked.

"Yea." One of her hands rested on his chest. "Lies," she said softly.

"Uh…What?"

"I need to tell you…" She took a deep breath. "When Joe was killed…It…We were going through a bad time…We'd been arguing about kids…I wanted them…Just not as soon as him…And…And you know how much I hate the buddy boy system?"

One of his hands began gently tangling in her hair. Bobby nodded. It was a major point of agreement between them.

"Joe…Joe was really part of it…He didn't believe…or didn't want to believe that there were bad cops…at least bad cops that he knew. Part of him…would probably agree with the cops who supported Copa…I understand that attitude…It's us against them so much. It's easy to forget that we don't get to decide who's "them." Or that we can become "them"…"

She shifted in his arms, and Bobby desperately tried to think of how to comfort her.

"Joe was proud of me…Proud of being one of the first husband and wife cops in the Department…And we loved each other…But there were times…When I thought he loved me because I was a cop…Not because I was me and happened to be a cop…And then…I got promoted ahead of him…Got my gold shield…And everything got confused. I wondered if we could make it work." She gently rubbed Bobby's chest. The moved seemed to comfort her as much as it did him. "And…and I got pregnant…I didn't tell him right away…I mean…I hadn't…The day I found out…that night was the night…" Her voice belonged to someone else. "He was undercover…so I couldn't call him…"

"Oh, Alex." Bobby held her tighter. "What happened…"

"I lost the baby," she said flatly. "About a week after…My doctor said the stress probably had a lot to do with it. No one knew about the baby. During the investigation…" She raised her body so that she could look into Bobby's eyes. The love and strength she found there helped her go on. "So much was going on…During the trial, I thought about telling people…You know, not only had he killed a cop and left a young widow, but she lost their baby…One more nail in Delgado's coffin…But I couldn't do it…I couldn't open up the most private place in my heart and let everyone see…"

"I think I understand," Bobby said gently. "But you…you didn't tell your family?"

She nested on him, her head resting on her crossed arms. She was telling him her greatest secrets, and yet Alex had never felt so safe, so protected. She loved Joe, and he loved her, but that love was not what she felt for and from Bobby.

"I didn't know how to tell them," she said calmly. "I didn't know how to explain to them why I hadn't told Joe I might be pregnant. I didn't know if I could explain that to myself, let alone someone else. And…and I was so tired of people saying "Poor Alex" and telling me how sorry they were. You know," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe that's why I didn't want to say anything at the trial. I didn't want a bunch of strangers saying, "Poor Alex.""

"I…I think I understand that too," Bobby said. "When I was a kid…I hated it when people pitied me. At least if they made fun of me or my Mom I could get angry. If it was pity, I had to be grateful for it."

She moved so that she lay beside him. "I knew you'd understand…I knew that." She touched his cheek, and Bobby turned on his side to face her.

"I'm still sorry about hurting you earlier," Alex said. Bobby reached for and held her. "I was so angry…I don't strike out like that…And I'm not violent when…Although it's been a while so maybe I don't know what I'm like…"

Bobby smiled at her. "I'm usually more considerate of my partner, too…Although it's been a while for me too."

She kissed him tenderly on the cheek. "I hope," she said huskily. "That I'll get to find out what you're usually like."

He softly kissed her on her nose and warmth flowed through them both. "I hope to find out what you're usually like too."

END


End file.
